What Couples Counseling isn’t
I just got a phone call that let me know that there is confusion over what Couples Counseling is or what it is for. He asked if I could see him that day or the next morning. I was booked for that time but I offered to see the couple in two days. And he said “no my girlfriend will be away for an extended time.” So, I was supposed to solve the problem in one session or at least that was what I imagined and I wondered what he had wanted in that one session and then it hit me.
Picture a boxing ring where the psychotherapist is a referee. Both couples enter the ring and have at it. They drag out their favorite argument and play it out. They exchange verbal blows looking at the couples counselor for support or winces. At the end of the round the psychotherapist announces who won the fight, which one had the most convincing argument. One person is right one person is wrong, the winner is announced. One person gets to say “you see I was right all along” If this has been your experience with couples counseling or if this is your expectation you are in the wrong place. This is not what couple counseling is or how it should be done.
There is a very hackneyed expression that a couple counseling is all about increasing communication skills. Well it is but more importantly it is about increasing getting closer skills and getting more relaxed with each other. The most important thing is to know what your partner’s makes and breaks are. We all have our makes and breaks in a relationship, there are certain things you must have for a relationship and some things that must not happen (the break).
Sometimes they seem silly but they’re not silly to you. My husband buys records and I don’t mean a few. I knew going in that that was something there would be no compromising on. It is one of his makes. I make sure I know his makes and I respect them as much as I respect the things that would break our relationship. Do you know what your partner’s makes and breaks are? Instead of rehearsing old arguments you can find out how to be closer. When couples feel disrespected or lonely it is often because their partner is not paying attention to these things.
Do I listen to arguments? Yes, later so I can show couples how to fight fair not to announce who got KO’d.