You’re afraid to say what you really believe
Terror’s that stop you-
You are scared that people will reject you if they know how you really feel and who you really. You are so scared of rejection and ending up alone that you would rather swallow your feelings and put up with some abuse than take the chance of making anyone mad at you
You are afraid of angry feelings or conflicts with people. You may believe that people should not fight or more to the point you should not fight. You are a people pleaser but you are sacrificing who you are to meet other’s expectations. You believe that you are not entitled to express your feelings or to ask others for what you want.
You are afraid that people would not like you if you expressed your thoughts and feelings.
The great unknown is what will people think of me?
Most people have a favorable view of themselves and they want to keep it. Being different or even worse controversial may affect that image. Especially in today’s world with all the hype about “crushing it” and being a “rock star” if you think that nonsense is real it can add a lot of pressure to your already pressurized life.
There is a beauty in not knowing what other people are thinking. It opens up the doors for you to be curious. But most of the time we are not curios because we have already deided we know what they think. What you think they think isn’t the reality. You think they are talking about you, judging you? They aren’t. They don’t have time. They’re too busy worrying about what people are thinking about them!
You are afraid other people will judge you but haven’t you judged them by deciding what they might say and then taking an action to be silent. Where did that information come from? Now I know some people will say “from experience” Well if the person always acts that way have you tried a different way of saying it?
And even if they were looking at you, judging you, talking about you, you can be almost certain they’re not saying the awful things you imagine. The reality is you don’t know what other people are thinking you are guessing. And when you are guessing you are deciding on all the horrible possibilities that they might be imagining. But there is no basis for assuming that you are being judged and rejected.
Do you mind read are you clairvoyant with a crystal ball and everything? Of course not! So why do you act like you are? Well, since I asked I’ll tell you. People feel safe in a routine and they like to believe that they can accurately predict how people will react and respond so they can feel safe in their choices. In order to do this we guess what people are thinking, feeling or what they will do. We go off the rails when we forget that it’s a GUESS. The more comfortable you are with not knowing the less stressed you will feel. You can go ahead and make a hypothesis but understand it not true until you get more information. And you won’t get more information until you speak.
Have you considered that you have information that they need to hear. Many times that situation simply means telling someone what we think or how we feel? How are people supposed to understand one another or themselves without that kind of exchange?
So, the first thing that can help is to focus less on the other person and his or her reaction and more on your own clarity. Figure out what you need to say and/or how you feel and say it straight, without emotion.
Avoidance leads to more problems
While avoiding nerve-wracking situations may help you feel better in the short term, it prevents you from becoming more comfortable in social situations and learning how to handle them. You didn’t learn to ride the bike until you got on it. In fact, the more you avoid a feared social situation, the more frightening it becomes.
Avoidance may also prevent you from doing things you’d like to do or reaching certain goals. For example, a fear of speaking up may prevent you from sharing your ideas at work, standing out in the classroom, or making new friends
They are playing a game. They are playing at not playing a game. If I show them I see they are, I shall break the rules and they will punish me. I must play their game, of not seeing I see the game.
RD. LAING, Knots
When you decide to hold back and not speak please consider this Silence is deemed approval. You may think that staying silent keeps you from being involved in any conflict, but quite the opposite. Silence is as much an active form of communication as talking. Anytime you are involved in a situation, people are aware of all the input and lack of it. Say what you need to say or an assumption will be made.
You don’t want to do any harm by offending or criticizing someone. But when a person is headed down the wrong road and you see it it’s selfish to put your own need to be comfortable above the needs of the others. The worst case scenario if you speak up is that someone may disagree, but at least the problem has been brought up and an exchange of ideas can happen.
Also have you considered that you have value and your thoughts are worth hearing? You may think that everyone knows or see the obvious some don’t. And you may find that everyone in the room is having the same thought but no one is saying it.
Just because it makes someone else angry doesn’t make you wrong. If you think differently you will be challenged. If everything worked the way something is done there isn’t a problem. If there is a problem you HAVE to think about it differently. Which means you might feel scared saying it out loud. What is your priority going with the flow or seeing something different. It isn’t a yes no answer it means sometimes yes and sometimes no. You don’t have to be blunt all the time. Sometimes aggression is not the answer. Be wise in your movements
In order to reduce self-focus, pay attention to what is happening around you, rather than monitoring yourself or focusing on symptoms of anxiety in your body. Do this by looking at other people and the surroundings. Really listen to what is being said (not to your own negative thoughts).And don’t take all the responsibility for keeping conversations going— you get to have some silence to.