Seeking perfection in someone else : The Soul Mate Trap
When I am doing couples counseling or talking to single people who are dating an idea comes up repetitively. Each partner wants to find their soul mate. And when they find that person it will be electric! Our society has created an illusion of an instant sense of knowing. I will know when I see them. A soul mate will fill all your desires and instantly know what you need (if they really love you) its chemistry if it’s real it will just be there and I will instantly recognize it. If that doesn’t happen the person isn’t the one. Often it is driven by physical attributes and the hope of finding that effortless and instantaneous connection. If this is all supposed to happen in an instant how can you possibly know the person?
You may have an instant rush of attraction and that’s not a bad thing. But it takes time to get to know someone. You will be able to measure a persons worth by the actions that they take. Not the promises they make or the things that you want to believe. You need to lean back and let the person show you who they are. Lately people have put a lot of stock in the law of attraction but sometimes I think of it as the law of distraction. People paint elaborate and detailed pictures of their soul mate and then they hang the portrait around someone’s neck expecting them to be that person. Later I meet them in couple’s therapy when they notice their partner is not living up to their expectations of how they should be.
Loving someone is seeing who they are and being there even when it is not the glorious image of that soul mate. Sometimes your partner will disappoint you and you will disappointment them as well. Learning how to express that disappointment is important. There is no possible way that you will not fight with each other but there is a way to fight fair. Counseling can help you achieve the relationship you desire whether in your current relationship or future relationship by assisting you in slowing the process down. The way to win this race is eyes wide open. I don’t know if you will find a Prince or a Princess but I do know you will find a good man or a good woman to build a lasting relationship with.