You have to keep house like Martha Stewart, parent like Donna Reed, work like Sheryl Sandberg, and look like Jennifer Anniston
We do not value our families as much as we value prestige and money. In other words the opinion of others is more important than asking ourselves what we want When a woman starts thinking about having children, Sheryl Sandberg said, “she doesn’t raise her hand anymore … She starts leaning back.” So how bad would laid back be? It sounds like a criticism to think about children. That by not raising our hand we are doing something wrong! What kind of family are we expected to raise if it is considered a step down to bring other human beings into the world? What message do we give to children when it is considered a poor choice to have them because it gets in the way of our job?
The General Social Survey question about whether mothers of preschoolers should work. The majority of both men and women said no, she shouldn’t, or she should only work part-time. Catch 22 women should stay home AND they shouldn’t lean back as Sandberg puts it. And how progressive is our society? The GSS doesn’t pose the same question about fathers. So it isn’t even on their radar that fathers have parenting responsibilities. But credit must be given to the new generations of fathers. More men are taking time to pitch in and unfortunately they are stressed out by it to! I know of one father who took three years off to raise his daughter while his wife ran the family business. He was surprised by what was the most difficult thing. He talked about the loneliness and the isolation of being with a baby all day. He told me he used to hang around the spice racks in supermarkets asking people about spices, anything to have adult contact. He called it spice stalking.
Sandberg’s second message in her Barnard commencement address was: “The most important career decision you’re going to make is whether or not you have a life partner and who that partner is. I remember a dinner that I went to with an ex-boyfriend. They were all lawyers and all from Yale. They only spoke about law and frankly, it was boring because it was just a show on who could quote more laws and play the alpha dog. In the middle of it a woman who was 40 at the time leaned over, looked at my boyfriend and said: “I’m looking for a sperm donor. Are you in?”
Besides the amazingly bad manners she showed it also showed how some people think they can wedge in having children. Raising a child in the beginning is a full-time job. The first 5 years are crucial in the child’s mental and emotional development. That being said I also acknowledge that for many of us we need to have a two income household. By first noticing what this is going to take, you can at least plan what to do next. In by gone days people lived in an extended family where relatives were a holler away. For many people that does not exist anymore. However, I do acknowledge that this is an opinion formed after many years of research in childhood development. It is my ideal that a care giver is with the child but that may not be possible. . Working mothers today now spend as much or more time with their kids as stay-at-home mothers in the 1960s and ’70s. And if truth be told I was one of those kids! I was a latch key child with two working parents and Mrs. Pointer did the babysitting. I think I turned out all right despite the GSS.
There is so much pressure to spend extra time at work and then we heap on crazy ideals of what our family and social life should be. We all feel like we’re not doing enough for our children, we do and overdo: more lessons, more teams, more competitions, bigger birthday parties, and more dance lessons. And then we check each other out trying to see who does more for their children. We live in fear that our that our children won’t be able to compete because we know that we can barely keep up ourselves. And somewhere down the line we started yelling or numbing out. Are you playing into this?
It’s time to create a treatise for everywoman our work lives has changed in the last 20 years. Technology is taking up free time to explore relationships (and no IMing someone is not as good as human contact and neither is “Liking”). The question you need to ask yourself is what do you value and in what percentage of your priorities fit in with your values. You may find to your disappointment they don’t coincide. Then you need to roll up your sleeves with your partner and redesign your life. Many couples don’t have these conversations. They don’t review their finances, divvy up the chores and talk about how they want to socialize.
During couples counseling one couple said
“I had to see how I bought into it the craziness of it. We broke the man-woman mold of who does what and when we set up goals and our own standards. We talked about all the little things each of us does that isn’t noticed and then shared responsibility for getting things done.”
They wait until the pressure is so bad they are screaming from it. Don’t mutter as you pick up the dirty laundry talk to your partner. It may mean scaling back. It might mean asking for help. It definitely means getting into your partners head as seeing it through their eyes. Don’t choose to play a role create a life instead. You’re doing more and more please take your power back by noticing you chose to accept the values that it is never enough. Look at what you need and don’t need in your world. This is up to you and your partner. And if you don’t keep up with the Jones don’t worry. I can assure you their having an anxiety attack and really weren’t thinking about anyone else because they are still on the psychological treadmill of” I can’t stop because it is never enough.” Be brave be bold make your own world.
If you would like some help with this call me for a free consultation at (646) 770-1603.
The title of this blog was Quoted from Rebecca Rosen’s article America’s Workers Stressed Out, Overwhelmed,Totally exhausted