Don’t judge yourself by what other people did to you part two
One thing that I find frustrating is when people come into psychotherapy to ask what is it about them that makes people react the way that they do. People believe that when other people react they caused it. You walk into the office and your boss yells at you. You believe that the only thing that other person your boss is responding to is you. After all you are receiving the fall out. They are yelling at you about the project you worked on. And they may even have some good points. But did you really create the volcano?
When someone else is speaking to you, you have to factor in the rest of the world there are other possibilities or outside influence that might have caused this reaction. Yes, your boss doesn’t like the work on the project but are there any other things influencing how stressed they are? And no you don’t have to know what they are just know that there may be something else at play. When you assume complete responsibility for another person you believe that you know what they are thinking. This is a mistake I often find in couples counseling. You think you know what is going on and you don’t even check that you are right.
So, here we are back in the office your boss is berating you and in your head you are helping by berating yourself. You dropped the ball, you messed up etc. And frankly at this point you are not even listening to what is being said because you are tearing yourself apart. What your boss wants is acknowledgement and connection. They want to know that you understand and are working with them. But you can’t do that if you are too busy ripping yourself apart.
Sometimes people even believe they have the kind of personality where you can predict how the room will react. And they look for patterns to support this idea. This is a sign of someone who is judging themselves so much that they aren’t really listening to people. They are hearing the sounds of their own criticism and that is a very lonely place to live.
What you need to do are three things when you are upset you need to stop the adrenaline rush, slow your body down by taking slow breaths. Keep your mind on the present engage with the world and not just your head. It may feel scary but talk to the other person. Assume that they don’t have a piece of information or that you don’t have a piece of information. Making a mistake is not irreparable. Refusing to communicate about it is. The final piece take some doing which is you need to look at yourself and be aware of what gifts you have. That way if someone else is having a tantrum you can find the patience to deal with them and not cut yourself in the process. If you would like to speak about this more I see clients in the evenings and Saturdays. Give me a call for a free one hour consultation (917) 456-4127.